Originally published at: https://blog.12min.com/why-marriages-succeed-or-fail-summary/
And How You Can Make Yours Last
Married couples often fail to identify the reasons which trigger conflicts.
It is evident that negativity reduces sexual activities, and acts as the “overall culprit” for failed marriages.
Who Should Read "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail"? And Why?The re-building mechanism works in an entirely unique way, in order to repair the marriage a couple must undergo a series of “love-processes”. The learning procedure is crucial for preventing a total collapse because arguments can often escalate leading to a painful divorce.
It is not right to ask someone to love if you cannot love yourself. We alongside Gottman recommend this book to any open-minded person ready to see the big picture. Surprisingly, we all need tips and hints on how to handle and maintain healthy relationships, and you are no different.
About John GottmanJohn Gottman was born on April 26th, 1942. He is a renowned marriage expert and a relationship consultant with a Ph.D. in psychology.
Given these points, John deservedly obtained a reputation of being the Life-changer; for his contribution to marriage processes and behavioral modifications.
"Why Marriages Succeed or Fail Summary"In essence, every life-story begins with the magic walk down the aisle and declaring commitment as an act of love and understanding. Usually, death is not the only reason that separate couples. Before the author presents the profound meaning of marriage, let's analyze what makes this conceptual bond so unique.
Every teenage girl dreams of getting married and having kids. So, who imposed this idea? Probably, Disney is the guilty party in this situation but should we blame fictional characters? Of course not! John Gottman puts a lot of effort to take us back to reality by giving his thoughts on marriages.
According to the statistics, the divorce rate in the U.S. alone varies around 40%. However, the rate is higher for second love-unions and increases further on.
What makes us so impatient or in other words why so many marriages end up in separation? Extensive analyzes on the subject have shown us that most common marital advices are based on mere intuition or speculation. People want a reliable infrastructure made of facts and proofs.
Combination of traditional wisdom and theory has proven catastrophic. A recently conducted study of thousands of couples over the past 20 years identified several specific signs that underline the future of married couples. Without delay, a person should strive to see these patterns, before it’s too late.
Such a simple advice can change the course of your relationship by giving it something to hold on to. So, how to live your Disney story? – Compromise is the first ingredient needed to “cook” the best union. As you move further throughout the book, you’ll discover new useful tools and technique for maintaining a healthy union.
For instance, you and your wife cannot agree on something, so the argument is supported by screams, anger and in worst case scenario domestic violence. As has been noted a shortage of compromise can lead to such an argument – a very unproductive one. To put it differently, you are not committed to each other.
It is okay if you share divergent opinions, but moving from dialog to screaming is a personal choice. The society offers a variety of ways to deal with these conflicts – the most common and unwanted one of all is divorce. Therapists, as mentioned earlier, have little influence on the current status.
According to Dr. John Gottman, a key to maintaining a healthy marriage is the approach you use to handle and resolve differences.
Not one person can step up for you, and deal with your life. It may come as a shock, but your partner is not crossing the line more than you do. Couples create their own environment and living space, blaming someone else is just nonsense.
Broken marriages follow a path full of loneliness, hatred, skepticism and, ultimately, divorce. Likewise, if you wish to enter a happy relationship, work on yourself, change your habits and transform your mindset.
Another marriage “killer” is keeping your feelings to yourself, and exploding in a dialog when things need to get more stable. To confront the negativity energy, calmness and open chat can do the trick. This book has no restrictions – referring to the readers, all are welcome to exploit the opportunities and reveal the dangers of marriage.
Key Lessons from “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail”1. The negative influence of destructive thinking 2. Look at the bright side of conflicts 3. Repair Mechanism functionality
The negative influence of destructive thinkingThe best way to destroy your marriage is to adopt a negative behavior. Every time you get into discussion avoid criticizing too much, even if you do not agree with your partner’s perspective.
To summarize, your mindset creates the internal dialogue that floats in your head – change it!
Look at the bright side of conflictsThe theory that a solid marriage is a reflection of two people who never contradict one another is 100% wrong.
The ability to resolve complex situations as a couple and dialogs put you in the front seat of life. Relationships grow parallel with the process of solving conflicts.
Repair Mechanism functionalityThere is no shortage of repair mechanisms which generate plenty of solution during arguments. These tools are preventing things from getting a little out of control by promoting a healthy approach.
A point often overlooked is that repair mechanisms are usually just simple phrases which serve as a bridge that helps couples to cross dangerous waters.
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“Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” Quotes[bctt tweet="Many marriages are salvageable even when they seem most hopeless." username="get12min"]
[bctt tweet=“Dwelling on what is wrong in your marriage, it’s easy to lose sight of what is right.” username=“get12min”]
[bctt tweet=“From early childhood, boys learn to suppress their emotions while girls learn to express and manage the complete range of feelings.” username=“get12min”]
[bctt tweet=“Anger only has negative effects in marriage if it is expressed along with criticism or contempt, or if it is defensive.” username=“get12min”]
[bctt tweet=“I believe an accurate diagnosis of the fault lines in a marriage can help any couple build a stronger union.” username=“get12min”]
Our Critical ReviewEvery trustworthy book has to have a vision supported by facts and examples. “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” promotes a perspective composed of compromise, love, and understanding.
Equally important is your eagerness to learn new things that would boost your marriage for the better. Generally speaking, several destructive forces which occur in relationships are identified by the author. Among them, you can find criticism, unsupportive attitude, ego, and stonewalling.