Originally published at: https://blog.12min.com/attached-summary/
The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love
Yet again, we feel betrayed for being taught to live in a way that is proven to be fruitless.
In this book, you’ll take a quick glance and hopefully realize what it takes to find true love and be in the presence of such.
Who Should Read “Attached”? And Why?Only wise people adhere to beneficial and healthy bonds and reject those who cause them pain and sorrow. In the same manner, you are given a choice – only your mindset stands in the way between you and your other half.
“Attached” serve as a model of sincerity, and transparency. As such it’s recommended to each and every one.
About Amir LevineDr. Levine is a psychiatrist, author, and neuroscientist who spent his childhood in Israel.
"Attached Summary"Have you ever felt like your relationship is getting too serious or what some people would like to call – emotional? So instead of being excited about how things unfold, many of us just prefer the space – and no strings attached.
There is rarely a song that doesn’t cover the effects of love. So, why are we so insecure, and frightened when it comes to relationships?
You can talk from sunrise to sunset, even weeks but still not be able to find a reliable definition that can describe the process of creating a special bond with someone. Attachment doesn’t indicate to be dependent from the other but emphasizes that wordless communication between two human beings.
Sharing doesn’t always involve words, but feelings which add to this attachment. If you sense a strong urge to be with someone, on a regular basis, you may be the perfect candidate for reading this modern treatise.
According to experts, managing to maintain contact for a long period requires dedication, commitment, and most importantly sacrifice. This bond can come in so many different forms such as mother-child relationship, or passionate, romantic, and meaningful connection between two adults.
Your partner or the receiver of love expects nothing less than full-support that is vital for holding this union. During times of stress, or emotional breakdown being a source of strength is everything. All it takes is a little push to help your partner getting through tough times.
For instance, let’s assume that you failed your mid-term exam, and no one is there to cheer you up. How would you feel? – Awful, we guess, because you are left on your own. Having someone by your side in similar circumstances can make any situation less frightening.
The need for social interactions and emotional support stretches way back – since the development of the first human communities. Instead of relying exclusively on individual skills, our ancestors used to gather and provide support to one another.
It was the only way for survival back then, which is quite effective also in today’s world. To avoid predators and improve their chances of survival, the people back then, embraced the group and preferred to stick together as a team.
Nowadays, the act of love is probably more sacred and intimate than it was. Unlike our ancestors, we move beyond the primitive nature of satisfying the breeding need, and passing the genes, and turn to a gentler approach.
Likewise, the genetic predisposition to attachment is also determined by our way of life, the habits we developed, etc.
To take this point even further, Amir Levine explains why and how people react in various romantic situations based on their attachment style. Let’s launch this process with one so-called: an anxious attachment style.
Anxious people have a habit of being too analytical and judgmental. They are simply preoccupied with the details of their relationships and have low self-esteem which is logical. Such attitude forces them to be worried about the current status of their relationship.
For example, many people tend to get a bit tense, and nervous if their partner doesn’t answer the call. They immediately suspect that they are ignored and take it a sign of emotional avoidance. Worrying that she/he might not love you anymore is a common fear.
An hour later, you get a call from your loved one, and everything is settled – you even receive an apology. So, most of the times, these concerns don’t reflect the status and seriousness of your relationship, and you should not take them for granted.
Do you know what it means to be emotionally unavailable? Some people fear that their freedom and independence will get endangered if they connect themselves to someone. Instead, these individuals prefer open relationships and keeping a safe distance.
Whether you like to call it an attachment style or emotional attitude it’s not essential. These persons are often referred as self-centered because their interest is superficial, and the feelings of others are secondary.
Key Lessons from “Attached”1. The uniqueness of relationships 2. What is a happy relationship? 3. A long and bumpy ride
The uniqueness of relationshipsIn truth, not two relationships in the world are identical. So, the pros and cons of each are exclusive and rely on the person’s viewpoints.
Depending on your personality, emotional, religious, social, and cultural background we create a prototype of a perfect relationship.
What is a happy relationship?Unfortunately, there is not a definition but, according to many, having a compassionate and open-minded partner is the key to it.
Having said that, we feel guilty because once again you are left empty-handed to find your luck.
A long and bumpy rideKeeping relationships with a self-centered person is a hard assignment, and you’ll need a lot of patience.
They are lauded for their ability to read between the lines and grasp the meaning of the partner’s demands. Not worrying too much is their defensive mechanism that you should take into consideration.
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“Attached” Quotes[bctt tweet="If you're still in a relationship, remember that just because you can get along with anyone doesn't mean you have to. If you're unhappy having tried every way to make things work, chances are that you should move on. It's in your best interest to end a dysfunctional relationship rather than get stuck forever with the wrong person just because you're secure." username="get12min"]
[bctt tweet=“The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don’t let emotional unavailability turn you on.” username=“get12min”]
[bctt tweet=“Feeling close and complete with someone else – the emotional equivalent of finding a home.” username=“get12min”]
[bctt tweet=“Instead of thinking how you can change yourself in order to please your partner, as so many relationship books advise, think: Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?” username=“get12min”]
[bctt tweet=“Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don’t get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.” username=“get12min”]
Our Critical ReviewWhen we start dating someone, it’s pretty hard to catch those hidden messages, which is not the case in a long-term relationship.
This book offers insights on how we should treat one another, and what sacrifices we must take to develop that special bond.